My Story

 
 
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WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE?

Thinking about what I want in life keeps me going. I might not get everything I want. More specifically, I might not get it the way I want it but if I don’t keep working and believing what will I be left with?

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5 WAYS TO STOP AN ANXIETY ATTACK

Even if you don’t want to. Even if you don’t have the time. Force yourself, you will probably have to, but do it. You can, and will, come up with a million reasons not to, but ignore all of that and slow down. Sit with your breath. By doing this you have just taken back control of the downward spiral. It might feel small and weak and barely enough to keep you afloat but do it anyway. It’s a start.

 
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MANEUVERING THROUGH LIMBO

I long for lots of other things though. I long to travel, be spontaneous, be helpful. I long for a life where I always feel strong and where I do the things I want to. I don’t just want to dream. I want to work and create. I want to live out loud. In my desire to do all of this I don’t know where rest fits into my life sometimes.

 
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WHAT WINTER IS TEACHING ME

Yes, winter is cold, ferociously so in Toronto, but it is also beautiful. It is a part of life here, on this side of the world. I love aesthetics. I love pretty things. I love beauty. I guess what I’m realising is that there is beauty in everything, and we just have to be willing to acknowledge it and allow ourselves to be in awe of it. It makes life slightly easier.

 
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TOOTHBRUSH THOUGHTS

When I brush my teeth I’m pretty much always doing something else at the same time. I might be putting the kettle on to make some tea, trying to organize my counter in the bathroom, I might look up in the vanity mirror and see a bunch of fingerprints and decide to start cleaning it while I brush my teeth. I’m in constant work mode, trying to figure out what more I can do.

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BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS

I come from a family of readers. We’ve always had a lot of books at home and still do, though my mum did make us give away a big chuck of them a couple of years ago. Anyone who knows me, knows that I read a lot. I read a lot of nonfiction at the moment. I think last year I only read one fiction book the entire year which is kind of crazy, definitely want to read more this year

 
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LET IT IN (ANXIETY UPDATE)

So when I first started struggling I always tried to hide from it, ignore it, push it aside. It was exhausting! Anxiety to me has always been tiring. It feels debilitating. There’s a pounding in my chest that feels all-consuming.


 
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WHAT YOU LEFT BEHIND

My grandfather passed away in August last year. It shocked us all, was unexpected, and in many ways it was the perfect death. He died peacefully, at home, the way we had always prayed he would go. No one was really ready for him to be gone though. Truth be told, I don’t think we can ever be ready to lose the people we love.


 
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GRATITUDE LISTS

Everyday I made a list of 5 things I am grateful for. Big things, small things, something that happened the previous night, a stranger that smiled at me, or sometimes it was simply the meal I’d eaten the night before. I did it everyday, often, first thing in morning. It became a habit. Some days it made me feel great gave me all warm and fuzzy feelings (:. Other days it honestly made no difference.

 
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YOU ARE NOT STUCK

One of my biggest fears when I dropped out of university was that I was stuck. I was stuck feeling anxious. I was stuck feeling depressed. I was physically stuck and emotionally stuck. It felt like I would never end this perpetual loop of unhappiness, panic, and fright. This fear ruled me. It ruled every painful breath I fought to take in. At the time it felt like that was the only way life was going to go. I was stuck!

 
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ANXIETY, YOU CHANGED!

Anxiety was the unwelcome enemy that was ruining my life. It was taking away all the dreams that I once I had for myself. It often left me crying on the bathroom floor praying for a break from perpetual fear that I was feeling. Anxiety had me waking up at 4:30 in the morning to do my laundry because I knew I wouldn’t have to run into anyone then. Three years ago anxiety made me feel weak and embarrassed.

 
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ARE YOU HAPPY?

Finding happiness in exactly where you are is an art. I think it’s also the start of life falling into place. If you are able to be content in the now it makes working towards the future so much easier. I’m not saying don’t have goals, don’t work hard or don’t wish for more. I’m saying do all that and be happy and grateful too.

 
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FRIENDS, WHERE ART THOU?

Making friends in university can be difficult. I think that is completely normal and okay. We all have this idea of what our life is supposed to be like. We see pictures on social media or in movies of people making friends easily, having so much fun, and going out a lot. We begin to think that that’s what life needs to be like all the time.

 
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DROPPING OUT OF UNIVERSITY X2

Yes, you read that right. I’ve dropped out of university twice SO FAR in my life (Joking mum, I think I’ll finish this degree). I currently attend university in Toronto where I study visual art and am about to start my second year. This is my first blog post so I want to use it to share who I am, and I believe the best way to do that is explain how I got here.